Hello again!

Hi everyone!
I'm finally back after a longgg break. It's been three years and I wonder if anyone still visits my blog. HAHA. It doesn't matter anyway, just wanna track down what happened throughout these years. I re-read all my old posts and dang it! Three years passed just in a flash. A lot actually happened and I don't know how I should start.

Gonna edit this post soon if I have time. Meanwhile, I need to sleep cause it's late. Goodnightt!

The art of self-acceptance

They say in order to be loved, you should first love yourself.
And so, this is one of my 2017 resolutions; self-acceptance. Perhaps this is something easy and is not even essential for some people, but for me this might be the vital key to a better quality of life. Doesn't mean I don't love myself. I do, but question is, to what extent?
The fact is, feeling good with all my flaws and keep telling myself "it's okay, you're doing good enough" while I'm actually not isn't easy at all. But trying to repeteadly fix myself isn't necessarily easy too. This often causes me to develop a sense of inferiority which is very unhealthy and I am finding ways to overcome it. And again they say, there's no amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance. Also I don't wanna keep beating myself up for making mistakes. So I'm trying to love myself, for every flaw and every messy trait I have, one at a time. This might be a very long journey, or even a journey with no finish line but I am willing to try.

PSPO Batch 14

23.11.2016
It's been exactly a year since I first met these buddies. Time surely flies and here comes the time when we need to bid good bye to one another. Well, it's not literally a good bye, but more to "see you again when I see you". Even so, I still cried a river during the farewell. I just couldn't stop myself and I'm very sure I'll miss them dearly.
Throughout this year, I realised that I change a lot and they are definitely a part of my change. They played an important role in the process and I want them to know. So I deliberately point this out during the testimonial session in the closing class to thank them. I clearly remember how insignificant I felt I was a year ago. It was with their supportive help I could push myself beyond my limit and create a better version of myself. I am very glad we met and I hope you guys succeed in whatever you do. God bless!



Fourteen isn't merely a number for me now. It holds meanings only us can decipher.
Thank you guys for showering me with love and curiosity. Thank you for always giving me chances to speak out what's inside my mind. Thank you for constantly capturing my various pose of sleeping in class or even when we travelled (I have never known I actually look that ugly while sleeping HAHA). Thank you for adding remarkable suffixes to my nickname. Thank you for hugging me tight when I cried eventhough my cry cried you guys harder. Thank you for taking good care of me everytime we're going out and shouting out for me everytime I was not at sight. Thank you for cheering me up when I was down, especially during my first presentation last year which was not as good as I expected.Thank you for making me laugh, then cry because of laughing too hard, then laugh again because of crying when laughing.
In conclusion, thank you guys for inspiring me. You guys are awesome!

Barefoot Cinderella

She survived the surgery. I knew she would and I am very thankful she did.
Going under a knife is never easy, and so is the recovery. Everything isn't perfect immediately after the surgery but I hope everything goes well and her quality of life will be improved in accordance with this surgery.
Although there's nothing much I can help at the moment, my prayers are always with her. So please recover real soon, buddy! I can't wait to bother you once you are back and I can't wait to see you live the life you've always been longing for, without being discouraged any longer. You deserve a normal and happy life!

Another random post

What's the secret of life?
Be grateful.
Wrong.
Why? That's my version.
People change people. Either you change them or they change you. That's the scariest secret.

How much have you lost in life?
A lot. Countless things in life
Such as?
Friends, trust, chances, time
So did you calculate how much lesson you have gained from your loss? Perhaps when you do really count, what you've gained is actually more than the loss itself.


Alright. Daphne is a genius. I never knew my student is this mature to ask about those questions and her answers surprised me even more.
Age doesn't define maturity. Couldn't agree more!

If I may

I'm frequently trapped in places where I feel so small and so insignificant, where everyone is growing rapidly while I'm still stuck, where others seem to know very well what they are doing in life while I am still figuring out what to do.
There are certain times in life when I feel like I'm not good enough and I don't deserve what I have.
But just for once, I don't wanna blame myself. Just for once, I don't wanna doubt myself.
Simply because I need to be saved from myself and my own thoughts.

Some things don't merely work out the way you wanted it to be. However, when you try to look around closely, you'll realize that things aren't bad at all.

I made mistakes, too much that I keep disappointing people around me lately. It wasn't on purpose I swear and I completely have no idea what's wrong with me. People tend to have high expectations and I dont wanna blame them for it. So I adjusted, but failed.
Disappointing people disappoints me.
I am very desperate.

I thought it wasn't that hard.
I thought I could if I tried.
I thought perhaps there's a chance

I was obviously wrong.
I shouldn't have started at the very first place.
I'm now choked by guilt.

Loud mind

The major problem within myself is I think too much; too much that I tend to create complexity out of something which is actually very simple and straightforward to others. It scares me sometimes because the things I would never need to think about, I think about. I am often overwhelmed by thoughts and assumptions. Hence, making decision is hard for me in several ways. I have to think about everything, everyone, myself.
At certain times, I wish I could be as happy-go-lucky as some people, dealing with whatever the consequences are, so I don't have to bear everything inside.

Made my day

Sometimes the smallest of things can make your day a whole lot better. 

I am addicted

Hi again. It's March now and if you guys know me, you know I'm gonna start complaining about how fast time flies and how I didn't realize it passing. Frankly speaking, I have always been very busy with working and teaching stuffs that I often lose myself in it, so much that I also lose track of time, forget about myself and the world around me. I return to home at around nine or ten every weekday and sleep like a dead pig rightaway. The next day, I wake up to the same routines and the cycle repeats again. The question is, is busyness jeopardizing my soul?

So here I am, coming up with an idea to evaluate the way I'm living life to lead a better life.
On one side, I'm a person who loves keeping myself busy. You can say I'm addicted to it. I hate doing nothing and being unproductive. Also, it is already a habit within me. I am environmentally raised to work hard over everything. Another encouraging point is, I can be financially independent from my parents and it's an accomplishment for me. I have then shifted my aim to not just being financially independent. I wanna do more and give more. On the other side, I'm aware that we do not live fully merely by doing more or experiencing more. Quality over quantity. Moreover, my busyness often leads to exhaustion which is self-destructive. I get tired at times, too tired that my tired is tired. I know that very well but I can't seem to stop myself. I am already like a trained bull, constantly chasing over a red flag.

So the conclusion is, I'm gonna wisely and slowly switch my teaching activity in the evening into something which is not less productive than it, perhaps like taking a foreign language class. Or doing some sports since I haven't been doing sports for a long time. However, it might take some time since I still have my responsibility as a teacher, at least until my students finish this semester, so I guess this won't be accomplished in a short time. But it;s alright, I can wait until then.

Are you addicted as well?

I have a very strange way of showing affection towards others. I don't usually show them. It's been difficult for me to be emotionally intimate with people, so I don't usually tell people the "you are so special I love you so much I'm glad to have you in my life" thing. I have problems with intimacy, to let people in, to disclose myself. I hate it the most when people say things to me in attempt to build intimacy but I dont know what to do so I say nothing instead. Relationship, in all kinds, are difficult.

I've been having this issue since I was little and people often label me as being ignorant. To be honest, I dislike it very much, the label ignorant. As a matter of fact, it's not only showing affection that I'm not good at, I'm not good at expressing myself as well. Therefore, I'm trying very hard to express myself better, or else I might go crazy of keeping everything inside. Writing, for instance, is probably one of the best ways. I'm more comfortable to express gratitute and love to people non-verbally. I'm not a good writer but I like writing journals or blog and that helps me heal a bit. Observing is another thing I'm experimenting with. By observing, you notice and take notes of the needs of people around you.
Next task for me is to find  more ways to show affection even better bcs I dont wanna lose anyone I love and care about.

Anyway, happy Valentine's day people!
Thank you for visiting :)

T-Group

There's a story behind every person. They have a reason to behave the way they behave. Society tends to focus more on what's obviously seen than on the process. However, when we are actually aware of the process, we'll be able to get the complete picture of someone and the way they behave starts to make sense.

Novel as in novel

It's been approximately a month since I'm in the capital city now. Despite the scary exams and presentation I'll be soon facing, things are great here and I'm enjoying it very much. Days aren't that hectic. I get to rest early everyday and more importantly, I have my mind refreshed here. New place, new routines, new goals, new people. Completely a perfect short escape for me! Training is held mostly in class and I meet many bright people from all over the country which I'm thankful of. I believe that every person we meet will at least teach us a lesson. Sometimes we are just not aware of it. And this time, I widely open my sight and learn incalculable things from them. They clearly know how reserved I am, yet they still try to get me involved in every thing they do. This isn't easy as a lot of new people I meet simply leave me aside when I'm not responding well enough. Hence, I wanna be as great as them; showering people with care and curiousity, not overlooking others, and be sincere.


And so, I'm gonna return to my hometown in a month. Time flies. It really does and always will.

I am envious of them; people who can express themselves. I personally can't express my emotions well, so people who are good in expressing themselves always amaze me. It amazes me even more when they express everything well-manneredly. Not many people are able to express themselves in a courteous way. Therefore, if you find one, make sure you learn a lot from her.

Another change

Did I just mention about being employed and getting a new job few months ago? Well, things worked out quite unexpectedly and I have turned my resignation letter in, a few weeks ago after some thoughtful considerations. Hence, I'm leaving in approximately two weeks time and it still amazes me how things change so rapidly and how my life is going to change again in another few weeks. The truth is I don't exactly know how to describe my current feeling. It's kinda ambiguous. A part of me is extremely elated to have finally found a company with a better path and clearer job career which I've been longing for from the start. And hell yeah, I'll be trained in Jakarta for 2 months and that literally means I have chance to escape my very boring routines here! I'm so freaking happy just by imagining it. Yet, another part of me is still unwilling to leave. It's been only three months here and just when I'm about to get used to the people and environment, I need to leave. Catching up isn't easy for me, I worked hard to be involved in people's circle here. In a few days, I should let everything go and start a new beginning with total strangers again. Meeting new people excites me as much as it worries me. I know very well that I need more time to get close to people. If others need only a week or two, I might need a month or even more.

Although it's short, I'm still thankful for the chance given to be a part of this company. Although it's short, these three precious months will always be remembered as my very first formal working experience where trial and error happened a lot. I don't wanna sound cheesy, but I will definitely miss everything, especially the feeling of waking up early and insanely rushing to work every Monday morning to have office ceremony which is pretty uncommon in other companies.

And so, I'm counting days. Precisely ten left.

Pride

I'm very proud of myself today for being able to throw away my pride in order to admit my silly mistake and apologize sincerely. It's a massive achievement for me since my pride has always been blocking my way and it's the core of several conflicts within myself. I overcame it this time and I'm extremely glad. I'm two percent maturer than before now! HAHA

And oh, growing up feels so nice!

I need someone to ensure me I've made the right decision.

Inevitable routines

So, days have been really hectic recently that I barely have time to rest. Twenty four hours a day are definitely not enough for me. I bustle around all day, rushed here and there, and reach home at almost ten every weekday. Life isn't the same like what it was a few months ago.  A lot of things have changed. Now I know how it feels like to be a mature adult. You earn yourself, manage your own savings, be responsible with your own decision, and there you go. You grow and enrich yourself. You meet new people, take part in society and interact with them.

Sometimes I find these adult things very monotonous and will always be monotonous in the future. Oh damn, I hate monotonous routines. I guess my next task is to find ways not to be bored with routines