I made mistakes, too much that I keep disappointing people around me lately. It wasn't on purpose I swear and I completely have no idea what's wrong with me. People tend to have high expectations and I dont wanna blame them for it. So I adjusted, but failed.
Disappointing people disappoints me.
I am very desperate.

I thought it wasn't that hard.
I thought I could if I tried.
I thought perhaps there's a chance

I was obviously wrong.
I shouldn't have started at the very first place.
I'm now choked by guilt.

Loud mind

The major problem within myself is I think too much; too much that I tend to create complexity out of something which is actually very simple and straightforward to others. It scares me sometimes because the things I would never need to think about, I think about. I am often overwhelmed by thoughts and assumptions. Hence, making decision is hard for me in several ways. I have to think about everything, everyone, myself.
At certain times, I wish I could be as happy-go-lucky as some people, dealing with whatever the consequences are, so I don't have to bear everything inside.

Made my day

Sometimes the smallest of things can make your day a whole lot better. 

I am addicted

Hi again. It's March now and if you guys know me, you know I'm gonna start complaining about how fast time flies and how I didn't realize it passing. Frankly speaking, I have always been very busy with working and teaching stuffs that I often lose myself in it, so much that I also lose track of time, forget about myself and the world around me. I return to home at around nine or ten every weekday and sleep like a dead pig rightaway. The next day, I wake up to the same routines and the cycle repeats again. The question is, is busyness jeopardizing my soul?

So here I am, coming up with an idea to evaluate the way I'm living life to lead a better life.
On one side, I'm a person who loves keeping myself busy. You can say I'm addicted to it. I hate doing nothing and being unproductive. Also, it is already a habit within me. I am environmentally raised to work hard over everything. Another encouraging point is, I can be financially independent from my parents and it's an accomplishment for me. I have then shifted my aim to not just being financially independent. I wanna do more and give more. On the other side, I'm aware that we do not live fully merely by doing more or experiencing more. Quality over quantity. Moreover, my busyness often leads to exhaustion which is self-destructive. I get tired at times, too tired that my tired is tired. I know that very well but I can't seem to stop myself. I am already like a trained bull, constantly chasing over a red flag.

So the conclusion is, I'm gonna wisely and slowly switch my teaching activity in the evening into something which is not less productive than it, perhaps like taking a foreign language class. Or doing some sports since I haven't been doing sports for a long time. However, it might take some time since I still have my responsibility as a teacher, at least until my students finish this semester, so I guess this won't be accomplished in a short time. But it;s alright, I can wait until then.

Are you addicted as well?

I have a very strange way of showing affection towards others. I don't usually show them. It's been difficult for me to be emotionally intimate with people, so I don't usually tell people the "you are so special I love you so much I'm glad to have you in my life" thing. I have problems with intimacy, to let people in, to disclose myself. I hate it the most when people say things to me in attempt to build intimacy but I dont know what to do so I say nothing instead. Relationship, in all kinds, are difficult.

I've been having this issue since I was little and people often label me as being ignorant. To be honest, I dislike it very much, the label ignorant. As a matter of fact, it's not only showing affection that I'm not good at, I'm not good at expressing myself as well. Therefore, I'm trying very hard to express myself better, or else I might go crazy of keeping everything inside. Writing, for instance, is probably one of the best ways. I'm more comfortable to express gratitute and love to people non-verbally. I'm not a good writer but I like writing journals or blog and that helps me heal a bit. Observing is another thing I'm experimenting with. By observing, you notice and take notes of the needs of people around you.
Next task for me is to find  more ways to show affection even better bcs I dont wanna lose anyone I love and care about.

Anyway, happy Valentine's day people!
Thank you for visiting :)

T-Group

There's a story behind every person. They have a reason to behave the way they behave. Society tends to focus more on what's obviously seen than on the process. However, when we are actually aware of the process, we'll be able to get the complete picture of someone and the way they behave starts to make sense.