T-Group

There's a story behind every person. They have a reason to behave the way they behave. Society tends to focus more on what's obviously seen than on the process. However, when we are actually aware of the process, we'll be able to get the complete picture of someone and the way they behave starts to make sense.

Novel as in novel

It's been approximately a month since I'm in the capital city now. Despite the scary exams and presentation I'll be soon facing, things are great here and I'm enjoying it very much. Days aren't that hectic. I get to rest early everyday and more importantly, I have my mind refreshed here. New place, new routines, new goals, new people. Completely a perfect short escape for me! Training is held mostly in class and I meet many bright people from all over the country which I'm thankful of. I believe that every person we meet will at least teach us a lesson. Sometimes we are just not aware of it. And this time, I widely open my sight and learn incalculable things from them. They clearly know how reserved I am, yet they still try to get me involved in every thing they do. This isn't easy as a lot of new people I meet simply leave me aside when I'm not responding well enough. Hence, I wanna be as great as them; showering people with care and curiousity, not overlooking others, and be sincere.


And so, I'm gonna return to my hometown in a month. Time flies. It really does and always will.

I am envious of them; people who can express themselves. I personally can't express my emotions well, so people who are good in expressing themselves always amaze me. It amazes me even more when they express everything well-manneredly. Not many people are able to express themselves in a courteous way. Therefore, if you find one, make sure you learn a lot from her.

Another change

Did I just mention about being employed and getting a new job few months ago? Well, things worked out quite unexpectedly and I have turned my resignation letter in, a few weeks ago after some thoughtful considerations. Hence, I'm leaving in approximately two weeks time and it still amazes me how things change so rapidly and how my life is going to change again in another few weeks. The truth is I don't exactly know how to describe my current feeling. It's kinda ambiguous. A part of me is extremely elated to have finally found a company with a better path and clearer job career which I've been longing for from the start. And hell yeah, I'll be trained in Jakarta for 2 months and that literally means I have chance to escape my very boring routines here! I'm so freaking happy just by imagining it. Yet, another part of me is still unwilling to leave. It's been only three months here and just when I'm about to get used to the people and environment, I need to leave. Catching up isn't easy for me, I worked hard to be involved in people's circle here. In a few days, I should let everything go and start a new beginning with total strangers again. Meeting new people excites me as much as it worries me. I know very well that I need more time to get close to people. If others need only a week or two, I might need a month or even more.

Although it's short, I'm still thankful for the chance given to be a part of this company. Although it's short, these three precious months will always be remembered as my very first formal working experience where trial and error happened a lot. I don't wanna sound cheesy, but I will definitely miss everything, especially the feeling of waking up early and insanely rushing to work every Monday morning to have office ceremony which is pretty uncommon in other companies.

And so, I'm counting days. Precisely ten left.

Pride

I'm very proud of myself today for being able to throw away my pride in order to admit my silly mistake and apologize sincerely. It's a massive achievement for me since my pride has always been blocking my way and it's the core of several conflicts within myself. I overcame it this time and I'm extremely glad. I'm two percent maturer than before now! HAHA

And oh, growing up feels so nice!

I need someone to ensure me I've made the right decision.

Inevitable routines

So, days have been really hectic recently that I barely have time to rest. Twenty four hours a day are definitely not enough for me. I bustle around all day, rushed here and there, and reach home at almost ten every weekday. Life isn't the same like what it was a few months ago.  A lot of things have changed. Now I know how it feels like to be a mature adult. You earn yourself, manage your own savings, be responsible with your own decision, and there you go. You grow and enrich yourself. You meet new people, take part in society and interact with them.

Sometimes I find these adult things very monotonous and will always be monotonous in the future. Oh damn, I hate monotonous routines. I guess my next task is to find ways not to be bored with routines

Voices inside me

More than anything else in the world, I dislike ungrateful people the most. So far I have always been trying to withstand and deal with various types of people I meet, yet ungrateful people are people I always can't put up with. Especially when you have sincerely spared your time and reached out a helping hand for them. This is exactly what I always experience. I don't actually expect gratitude from them, just an understanding of my limitation is enough. However, they always want more to the point that it annoys me. What annoys me even more is my inability to stand against them. So I always end up doing things according to their expectations. Helping out ungrateful people is very exhausting. I am tired.

Random thoughts

We are living in a world where everyone we meet is wearing a mask. For me, a mask is like a double-edged sword. Wearing a mask doesn't necessarily mean you are fake. A mask works as a person's self defense. Without masks, people are insecure and they feel threatened. As a matter of fact, sometimes we even create a mask to meet the masks of others. Isn't this life complicated?

Frankly speaking, I don't really mind people wearing masks as long as they don't fake their sincerity. I value people's sincerity more than anything else in this world. A mask will eventually fall off but sincerity will never. I've learned so much from experiences that the more people talk and interact with you, the more they uncover their traits and unmask themselves. The rest depends on you to decide which ones are worth your keep.

Current state of mind

I'm seriously in my worst physical condition right now. I barely have enough sleep recently because my brain won't shut down at night, causing me hours of unrest. A lot of things are occupying my mind and I don't know how to shoo them away. Perhaps I should try exhausting myself in an extreme way throughout the day because sometimes when you're tired, you just sleep straightaway without even thinking.
In the other hand, my allergies relapse again and this results in swollen and chapped lips, and it's smarting, like an open wound. It's been a while since I had my last allergy and I completely have no idea what food I consumed wrongly this time. I tried to track my food record down to search for the cause but I couldn't find anything. Usually it's shrimp, but I didn't feel like eating it unintentionally, or even intentionally.

And oh by the way, I'm officially employed for a week by now and I'm very glad to have finally started a new page, although everything in my workplace is still very new for me. I didn't know anyone there and everyone is a stranger to start with. But well, not literally everyone because it turns out that my ex-teacher is currently working there, and his desk is just right next to me. The fact that there's at least someone I know calms me down a bit. I'm never good at social interactions and this is what worries me in the beginning. I hope I'll do better in the future.

Now that one of the checkpoints has been reached, I should start planning for the next step carefully. I initially planned to continue my master study after working for a few years but let's see if I'm gonna stick to it or not. Everything can change. I guess impermanence is the only thing which is normal, isn't it?
And I hope everyone is doing great!

And sometimes when you're very mixed up inside, you do things you shouldn't do.

The start of an end

Hi. I'm officially jobless now. My teaching contract at IEC ended last week and I'm not renewing it anymore. Meanwhile, two of my private students are currently staying in LA during holiday as usual and will be back again for school in mid July. They should be very happy to reunite with their dad by now. Sometimes I wonder how it does feel to live far away from parents. They are just seven and nine and they survive living far away from their parents for the past two years. They only get to return to their dad and mom when school is having holiday here in June and December. During those times, they'll usually stay for -more or less- a month. I know they never liked living here except for its food. Nevertheless, they'll be going back permanently after they finish their study here. Maybe in one or two years. By then, it will be a massive farewell for me and them :(

Okay, back to the jobless thing I first mentioned. To sum up, I have too much spare time right now. I'm confused of what to do to have my time occupied. I have started seeking for some jobs and it turns out that searching for the right job isn't easy at all. I'll apply for more jobs after I obtain my recommendation letter from IEC to be more promising. Speaking of IEC, a part of me is still unwilling to leave that place. Being able to work there, although part-time, is another thing I'm grateful for. It has been four years and it's a place where I learn and grow a lot. I meet various types of people and most importantly, I found the kindest person I've ever met there. She is the most sincere and hardworking person who inspires me in several ways. Finding people like her is very hard nowadays. I hope no one will ever dull her sparkle and she'll remain the same in the future. Another people I encounter there are a bunch of bright people. Although unwilling, I still have to let go. It's time to get new experiences. Until we meet again people!

A reminder

If only everyone puts himself/herself in other people's shoes before they act. I guess the stars would start dancing and singing in the sky and dinosaurs would start reproducing themselves from ashes and start attacking humans because the world had been in such a peaceful condition.

For me, the simplest act of putting ourselves in people's shoes matters a lot. I ,too, keep reminding myself to do so as often as possible because I know exactly how it feels to have and not to have, to be ignored and not to be ignored, to be respected and not to be respected. I also know very well that doing this might not be that easy as our point of views are much shaded by our own values, but I believe there are things we can learn by doing it. Practice makes perfect, don't you agree? ;)

One of the thousand things I'm thankful for

We finally met. Yellu, Clarissa, and I. Those two are seriously the busiest people on earth. Our schedules always collide with one another's and it has always been hard for us to find a day when three of us are available upon. Yellu usually works even on Saturday and Sunday, the same thing applies to Clarissa. She has another part-time job at a radio station on weekends but only at certain hours. Despite the absence of Shella and Weni who are currently not living in town, we still try to make time for one another, at least during one's birthday.

We might not meet frequently now but they are friends that understand me the most. To be honest, I don't actually have friends that know me as well as they do. I'm a very reserved and introverted person. I usually try very hard to fit in every situation and to meet other's expectation while interacting, but it's kinda different with them. I don't need to try that hard. We just fit and I unconsciously disclose things to them, which is rare. I don't usually do self disclosure, I find it awkward and I don't know how to deal with people's responses after that. However, they're just different. Probably because we share a lot of similarities. Most of us are a bit workaholic and have a hidden desire not to live in our country. Well, it might sound unrealistic or stupid, but we just can't stop talking about it. Some of them wanna leave permanently, while for me since my family is the biggest issue, temporary is enough. Weni and Shella are luckier so they got to leave Medan the fastest. Weni is currently working in Singapore after she graduated and I believe she won't even have the slightest thought of returning to Medan. Meanwhile, Shella is now persuing her language study in China and hasn't decided whether to stay there working or to return back to Medan after she finishes. The rest of us have to make our own way out. Yellu is planning to take her master study overseas in 2017 and she's now preparing the stuffs she might need later and finding any possible fundings to cover her school fee and expenses. She is a very determined person and I wish she will make it. I wish I will, too, although I'm not as determined as those three.

So I constantly thank God for sending them to my life and for reminding me to dream big and work for it. Eventhough if I fail, I know the others won't. I'm quite satisfied with my current life anyway, but if I succeed in this, it's a bonus!

Graduation Day

Monday, May 25th, 2015

This might be my happiest Monday as I have officially earned a bachelor degree in psychology. I'm beyond excited to have finally reached one of the milestones I've been longing for. This is certainly one of my happiest day and I would like to thank my parents so much for the support they've been giving me so far. Looking at their proud faces on my graduation day gave me an immense sense of satisfaction and joy which I will never exchange with anything else. I would also like to sincerely thank everyone who made it to my graduation even though it's a weekday. I was so touched when I saw some faces that I didn't actually expect to see. It was an euphoria and I'm so grateful to have those people around me.

Now that it comes to the real beginning of life, I begin to wonder and worry a lot. I'm still clueless of what I will face next. As I grow, I'm environmentally shaped more to be a theoritical than a practical person. I have no idea how it will affect my work-life. I hope I'll be doing well because I'm so looking forward to having my dream job. May the odds be ever in my favor!

A Comeback

Hello, I'm finally back to blogging again after an approximate of one and half year vacuuming. Reading through my friends' blogs reminded me of how much I loved writing. Therefore, I created one new account asap and here I am, blogging like how i used to.

A lot happened throughout the year and there are still many things I am perplexed of. Time flies very fast, some people change, yet some people never. I personally don't change much, well, at least physically. Psychologically, majoring in psychology benefits me a lot. I comprehend myself more, knowing when to mediate the devils inside me, and then begin to figure out my greatest fright which I refused to admit. Almost four years have passed now and finally college is over and I'm passionately waiting for my graduation in May!


And oh, I lost my previous blog due to my carelessness, again. It was set to a private blog by me years ago and as a result of not logging in for more than a year, I completely forget the password and email address. So I end up starting from zero, having no records at all.